18 Minutes: Find Your Focus, Master Distraction, and Get the Right Things Done Read Online Free PDF Page B

us, not just because of her talent or her courage or her perseverance or her supportive friends. She is a phenomenal role model for us because she is us, in all our awkward ordinariness and amazing extraordinariness.
    Don’t settle for being less than you are. It won’t serve others and it won’t serve you.

7
You Don’t Have to Like Him
Where Do You Want to Land?
    S everal years ago, I took on a new client in New York City. This company had lawsuits against it, high turnover, and terrible press. One of the first people I met was Hunter, a senior leader.
    “Look, Peter, you seem like a nice guy,” Hunter said with a smile as he looked at me from across his desk, “but there have been several consultants before you and there will be several more after you. If you think you’re going to change the way we do things here, well, you’re mistaken.”
    Hunter smiled at me again, and I had a strong, visceral reaction—I immediately disliked him.
    After leaving the meeting, I called my uncle, a successful businessman in London, and told him the story. “I can’t work with this company.”
    “Why not?” my uncle asked.
    “Honestly? I really don’t like the guy,” I answered.
    He laughed. “You don’t have to like him, Peter. You just have to do business with him.”
    My uncle was right. And he was pointing out a habit that costs many of us tremendous opportunity. Our reaction to an event creates an unproductive outcome.
event → reaction → outcome
    In my case, the
event
was that Hunter told me I wouldn’t be effective. My
reaction
was to dislike Hunter and avoid working with him. The
outcome
would have been the loss of that client.
    This simple event-reaction-outcome chain governs most of our spontaneous action. Something or someone hooks us and we react. Someone yells at us, we yell back and create the outcome of a damaged relationship. It’s not that we
want
a damaged relationship; it’s just what
happens
when we yell back.
    And that’s the problem. The most important part of the chain, arguably the only part that really matters, the
outcome
, is collateral damage from our reaction. It’s not intentional. We’re reacting to the
event
. The
outcome
is simply fallout.
    But this time, before making that mistake, I paused, which gave my rational self time to negotiate with my emotional self. And luckily for me, during that negotiation, they must have agreed to call my uncle for advice.
    My uncle offered an alternative chain. Focus on the outcome, then choose your reaction.
event → outcome → reaction
    Rather than focus on my personal reaction to Hunter, my uncle suggested that I focus on what I wanted, which was to grow the business.
    When an unsettling event occurs, pause before reacting. In that pause, ask yourself a single question:
What is the outcome
I
want?
Then, instead of reacting to the
event
, react to the
outcome
.
    In other words, stop reacting to the past and start reacting to the future.
    If someone yells at you, pause before yelling back. Then ask yourself what outcome you want. If the answer is “An improved relationship,” don’t yell back. Instead, in a normal voice, empathize with their anger and ask some questions about the concerns raised in the midst of the screaming. That’s a reaction that will achieve a better relationship.
    Here’s the hard part: You react to the event because it’s asking you to react to it. But just because the event
catalyzed
your action doesn’t mean it should
determine
it. How you react can and should be determined by the outcome—by the future you want to create.
    Maybe a colleague comes to you complaining about a situation she’s in with her boss (event). How should you respond (reaction)? If the outcome you want is for her to feel supported, then listen with empathy. If you want to help her, then offer solutions. If you simply want to get back to work, then find a graceful escape.
    This is particularly useful in personal relationships.When a problem